The Last Time

XII. Fall Out of Love

For so many times, Lusiana knew how falling in love felt. She also knew the pain and all the risks behind it.
But no books, movies, and songs had taught her about falling out of love…
The strange feelings of uninterested in someone you thought you would love forever…
And for the first time, realizing that maybe someone was indeed not worth her time and her attention.
But this was she felt after she knew the altered account of Bimasena. What a shocking revelation.
And without her knowing it, all the butterflies in her flower field inside of her heart were already dead. Maybe he was right all along.
Even so, Lusiana still needed an explanation from Bimasena about what he was thinking for making that account.
She sent a screenshot of his altered account plus with the sign of her following him. She knew he would be devastated knowing Lusiana knew about that bloody account.

‘Mind explaining this?’
‘That’s my alter account.’
‘I see.’
‘You already follow it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Okay.’
‘Would you care to explain the inside of this account?’
‘Why?’
‘I didn’t think you were a hardcore player in the FWB universe.’
‘Well, now you know. Happy?’
‘No.’
‘What do you want me to do then?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Okay.’

His responses were making her mad. She sent another question.

‘By the way, do we still have a chance to meet?’
‘Of course. Why do you have to ask that?’
‘You didn’t reply to me yesterday when I was in the town.’
‘I was busy, Lusiana. I had to teach the dancing class in my village. And I was quite calm for these several days because I had spent my money to pay the tuition fee. Now I’m broke.’
‘Oh,’
‘What is it? say it out loud.’
‘I thought you don’t want to see me knowing I’m unlike your Twitter friends.’
‘You need to chill sometimes.’
‘But it’s weird. Why do you need a friend like me? I cannot give any benefit to you. We have a different pace and, of course, a different circle…’
‘Do I have to make myself clear?’
‘Yes, please.’

A minute without any replies, finally Lusiana asked him again.

‘Can you give me any reason?’
‘Well, I need you. I don’t know why or how yet, but I don’t want any goodbye from you yet, Lusiana. Please, stay.’

The problem was, staying was more difficult than Lusiana’s initial thought. She would have stayed if the account never existed. She would have stayed if Bimasena did not like those boobies’ pictures shared by those e-girls. She would have stayed if Bimasena wasn’t begging attention and love on his Twitter account.
Because she would give all of those for him without being asked…

‘You said I should never beg for love and attention, but why do you do it?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Your tweets, Mas. Why do you say you don’t need love to me but ask that for all the girls you met virtually?’
Was she not enough?
‘And you hide behind all of your sugar-coated words about you would never be enough for me. What was that?’
‘Because I would search more if I’m with you right now…’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I would cheat on you, Lusiana.’
‘But if you would end up with all those e-girls, you would never cheat on them?’
‘It’s not like that. But I would receive less love than what I give so, in the end, if we hurt each other, we would feel less pain…’
‘And for God’s sake, Lusiana. Twitter is entertainment for me. Only entertainment. Why does it bother you so much?’
‘It bothers me because I feel that we’re so distant. Like we were in a different universe, and our pace is not the same.’

But beyond that, Lusiana felt bothered by the account because she felt disgusted at Bimasena begging for love while he rejected Lusianas. Later, she realized what could be the way to steal Bimasena’s attention. But to do those things was against her principle.

‘What are you saying?’
‘It’s like I don’t know you, and I felt that if I want your attention, I need to be those e-girls.’
‘No, you don’t have to be that. Like I said before, I respect you and your hijab.’
‘So, again, why am I here?’

Lusiana needed to know Bimasena asked her to stay to be his guardian angel, his reminder to stop enjoying those wild worlds he loves. But Bimasena knew if he said that, Lusiana would leave in a second because if she couldn’t be a guaranteed card for Bimasakti, no one could make her as someone who would wait for his changes in the future.

Who would want to wait one day for he will change and come back for you? What had Bimasena offered her to stay and refuse all better men that would give her love that she wants while he was too busy to even share some quality times with her?

---

Alter
 
I wish I could say 
How I desire things to stay
To be precise like it was 
Just like a green grass
Or when the leaves slip to the ground 
And we never need any clandestine background
Just to set us free 
Like a bird singing in the tree
But the world is altering 
And adoration is demanding
It's so irregular to find a natural love 
With nothing but two people falling in love
There will always be somebody else
Lurking inside of our heads
Intervening every discussion we had
Whispering in our soul to liberate ourselves in the dim of light 
That emerges from the device attaching us to the world
Just one login away, and we're in the new sight 
As we reborn into the world without cold
Neither fear nor responsibility
It is an artificial place without sensibility
As you call it amusement only
They call it meta, and they call themselves an alter ego
Once, they said it was a place to suck it up and let it go
Change the name and hide behind that pretty avatar
And conceal the agony whilst keeping the new scar
They look nothing like their typical
But is alter perhaps your natural?

---

XIII. Open Your Eyes

Time is still passing, and the world is still rounding. But finally, in the flower field inside of Lusiana’s heart, time stops, and life there seems to end as the three butterflies living freely inside of the flower field dead one by one.

In reality, Lusiana had become a stranger for probably two of three Bimas. And that was the death that happened in the Lusiana’s flower field. No more connections, hopes, and interactions. Nothing.
The last time Lusiana checked her flower field, the only butterfly left was dying. But she made no efforts to save it. She left it there, dying slowly and painfully. She no longer cares about what might happen if the only butterfly were still alive.

Because whatever hopes and desires she had for Bimasena, she would prefer to lose it rather than lose herself.

She made no effort of contacting him. Maybe only occasionally and every time they talked, they would end up in the altered account, again and again. But that was the main principle as Lusiana thought to herself. She couldn’t let the distant feelings aside. They grew up in a contrasting family. Lusiana was born into a decent Javanese Muslim family, and while Bimasena must be from a dignified family, his free lifestyle was not Lusiana’s style.

Just several weeks after they had been arguing about the altered account for the one-hundredth time, Bimasena had stopped to reply to Lusiana’s. Perhaps he was mad, or he was ashamed about his life. But Lusiana also felt a bit of disappointment of endless gaslighted behavior from Bimasena, so, in the end, no one spoke first.

Even though falling out of love was never be taught, contrary to falling in love, Lusiana tried her best by letting the three butterflies dead, and the flower field had burned up one sunny summer. Let it burn like the fire of disappointment burn it up, and tears of sadness fall to stop the smokes. The less she put hope to people, the less she would hurt.

Even so, Bimasena walked right back to her at last. He asked for her forgiveness and explained himself. Yet for her, they both need time to finish with their selves too.

“Call me again when you’re ready, Mas.”