Paradox

X. Notice Me

Bimasena finally stayed because both he and Lusiana couldn’t say goodbye to each other. But even so, Lusiana has still felt a mixed feeling: was it, love? Or only curiosity? Even so, they wouldn’t stop being honest to each other while they were refusing the idea that they love each other.
Nevertheless, Lusiana still felt a little bit in limbo. It was due to the relationship Bimasena had with his girlfriend. Did she want that? Was she meddling? Was it okay for both to talk sweet to each other?

The limbo Lusiana felt had been inevitable because, in the end, Bimasena was not hers…

She couldn’t talk about it to anyone because she was shy admitting she had a small affair with someone. Yet, Bimasena was someone she couldn’t just leave without any proper goodbye. The first reason because Lusiana had never been leaving anyone. The second reason was that she couldn’t stop thinking what a weird coincidence to meet three Bimas one time and another.

Also, 2021 was harsh for Lusiana. She just needed a friend…

But was it only what she wanted?
One night, Lusiana saw Bimasena’s Snapgram: a birthday wish from Bimasena’s ex-girlfriend.
Wait, ex-girlfriend?
Yes, several days before that night, Bimasena told Lusiana that his relationship was over. Lusiana felt sad for him, but she couldn’t stop herself from feeling a little bit happy.
What a tragedy.

Lusiana didn’t realize she had hope for being Bimasena’s new girlfriend. They both were lonely, and they shared each other’s Spotify playlist. So, what was stopping them?

Yes, it was his ex’s congratulations for Bimasena.
No, it wasn’t unique, yet Lusiana couldn’t stop overthinking why Bimasena still reshared her Snapgram. She thought they were over so, why bothered to share your ex’s Snapgram?
Lusiana was intrigued to share a Snapgram about his birthday too. But then her smartphone showed something she never believed.

December 2nd, 2021: Bimasakti’s birthday.
She was so fixated on Bimasenas that she didn’t realize he shared the same birthday date with Bimasakti. What a coincidence, wasn’t it? Why did Lusiana meet two people with the same name and birth date? Or was it probably Bimasena was the one for her?
Perhaps she should make a congratulation for Bimasena too, she thought to herself. Then she made it, but she only shared it with several people, including Bimasena. He replied to the Snapgram directly.

But Bimasena did not reshare it…
Lusiana should have seen it coming, yet still, it was painful to watch someone you liked have feelings for somebody else. She didn’t want to admit her feelings, but those feelings ate her up until the next day: she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t eat, she didn’t want to do anything, and somehow a spark inside of her soul was burning up. Was she jealous? Yes. But why? Why would she be jealous of something silly like that?

On the fifty-second time Lusiana thought about the bloody Snapgram, she realized. But was it matter to say it to him?
At the same time, an apology from Aulia had landed on Lusiana’s phone. Finally. They talked about Lusiana’s feelings, and then she asked Aulia what she should do.

You have to tell him.
Had she? But probably it was best to be said rather than unheard.

‘Mas, I want to be honest with you. I have a crush on you. Perhaps it’s love. I don’t know when I have this feeling. Maybe when I swiped right when I saw your account, or when we talked the first time over a WhatsApp video call that evening. My feelings for you are the closest form of the love they talk about in the books: as fresh as a morning dew when a cool autumn breeze first wipes away your sadness and takes away your breath. Even after you told me about your complicated relationship, I cannot stop thinking about the possibility between us. Maybe I’m stupid for loving you, or perhaps I’m a cruel person for hoping you would leave your ex-girlfriend for me. But I’m seriously the stupidest one when I felt jealous over her Snapgram that you reshared, while you didn’t do that for my Snapgram. And this is only my unsaid feelings…’

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XI. Mr. Unexpected

Bimasena hadn’t replied to Lusiana for almost four days after the confession day. She felt like she was about to die. It was humiliating enough to talk about her feelings, but it would be more awkward if Bimasen never replied or responded to it. and at last, on the fifth day after she confessed, Bimasena replied…

‘I’m sorry I cannot reply to your feelings. I don’t want you to have any hope for me or any guy who would hurt you…’
‘But will you hurt me?’
‘I can’t guarantee you would be happy with me, Lusiana. As I state it again, I’m nobody. You’re wasting your time waiting for me. It may be too long, or maybe I wouldn’t be as like what you expect.’
‘Then what would be the rest for us?’
‘Friends?’
‘Yeah. Maybe it’s best to become a friend in need. But I’m unlike your friends that could give you any benefit you want…’
‘I don’t want you to be that. Please. I respect you…’
‘Okay…’

So, there they were: a friend for each other. Slowly time had passed, and the more they talked to each other as a friend, the more they enjoyed each other presence. One day, Bimasena had spoken to Lusiana about his plan for the rest of his college. Turns out he had carefully planned it. Deep down, Lusiana felt proud and happy he could be focused on his study.
Yet something big was about to happen…

After making sure that their relationship was platonic and felt right, Lusiana started to focus more on herself. She worked as a digital marketing analyst, and she began to join any seminars that were interesting for her. One day there was an offline seminar in the next city where Bimasena studied. She went there, and she told to Bimasena that she was in the town. But Bimasena hadn’t replied for the whole day, which once again had made her disappointed. Even though they had met for like a year, she still hadn’t met Bimasena in person.

After she finished her seminar and ate at the nearest restaurant to the train station, she was about to take the next train. But someone had approached her.

“Hey, are you the girl from the seminar at the North University?”
“Yes, I was there. Can I help you?”
“Uhm, this may sound so creepy but when I first saw you in the seminar, I could not stop thinking how beautiful you are.”
Lusiana gasped.
“…”
“…”
“Okay, maybe this confession wasn’t so good. Sorry for taking your time.”
“N—no, I was dumbfounded because it’s not every day for me to accept a compliment like that, thank you.”
“Are you kidding me? You are beautiful. I lo—I mean I like your pretty hazel eyes.”
Lusiana couldn’t stop thinking about what was about to come out from the man standing in front of her: the word love, for her eyes.
“Thank you,” and Lusiana smiled, which made the man in front of her smile too. “May I know your name?”
“I’m Lusiana. Lusiana Ambar.”
“Nice to meet you, Lusiana Ambar. I’m Harmono Putro.”
“Wait, you were the guy who asked some hard questions back in the seminar!”
“Hehe, you paid attention then.”
“Of course, it was a good seminar, and you asked the important questions. Nice to meet you.”
“Okay, I can’t stop myself from thinking happy since you paid attention to my questions too. To me!”
“Okay, cool, Mas Harmono. But please be calm,” said Lusiana with a laugh. Suddenly Harmono looked so ashamed until his face was red.
“Where are you going after this?”
“I want to go home to my city, Mas.”
“Do you want to do something else? Perhaps, a coffee or one book date?”
“Book date?”
“I saw you read One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Marquez. Mind if I took you to Periplus or Kinokuniya?”
“Wow, have you read this book?”
“Yes.”
Suddenly, Lusiana saw something from Harmono. Something she couldn’t explain, but that something attracted her.
Perhaps it was his smile…
“Okay. But I have to go home on the train at 7 PM.”
“Okay.”

So, he took her to the first bookstore: Periplus. He bought his motorcycle, and Lusiana hadn’t gotten a clue from where Harmono got a helmet for her. It was so instant yet was so fun. Harmono had been working as an online journalist. They shared a lot of similarities in their way of thinking. Yet, the most unique part about Harmono was how he also had a similar taste of books like her.

“Do you want to write for a column in my media?”
“I don’t know if I could do that. I mean, I work as a copywriter under my real name, and my contract said I cannot write with this name outside my company.”
“Why don’t you make a pseudonym?”
“Maybe I would do that.”
“Send me your works. I’m looking for a woman writer.”
“What media is this?”
“It’s a media from a mosque where I took part as their organizer since my college time.”
“Wait, it’s a Muslim media?”
“No, not particularly. We’re neutral. Do you mind working in a Muslim media?”
“No, it’s just, I’ve been quite unreligious for a while.”
Harmono smiled. “Yet you asked me to go to the mosque to have the afternoon prayers.”
“No matter how far we are from Allah, we have to do our pray for Allah.”
“I agree,” and he looked at her with a look she couldn’t explain. His eyes were so attractive: the big black eyes that smiled every time he looked at her.

After they went to the third bookstore, Harmono took her to the train station. And before she departed, he asked her phone number. After she was on the train, they chatted, and he asked for her social media: Instagram and Twitter. The thing was, Lusiana was herself on Instagram, but her Twitter was a room for her unsubmitted and self-work as a lowkey writer.

Yet finally, she gave both to Harmono.

Before Lusiana slept that day, she couldn’t stop thinking about Bimasena, that still hadn’t replied to her messages yet, and about Harmono, that was so strange yet felt like home for her. She lowkey stalked both, and the more she saw Harmono’s profile, the more her realization grew. Meanwhile, there were still no words from Bimasena, and after opening her Twitter, Lusiana couldn’t help to look for Bimasena’s Twitter account.

Yes, he said he had one. And he said, Lusiana shouldn’t know about it, which only made her more curious. Lusiana kept thinking, and finally, she saw a Secreto link in Bimasena’s Instagram profile. She copied that, and then she searched it on Twitter.

And there he was…

No, his username wasn’t Bima or Bimasena. It was something else. And Lusiana knew why Bimasena should use another name for it: it was an alter account.

No, it wasn’t an altered account such as Bimasaktis. It was different: Bimasena followed some fan pages with a friend-with-benefit relationship theme. He followed some accounts who talked about free sex in a very freeway. As if falling in love was unimportant and the importance was only about sex, sex, and sex.
And of course, he liked some hot girls picturing herself in a sexy suit like her underwear and everything like that…