IX. Just Another Bad Love
Three butterflies flew in a growing flower garden in Lusiana’s heart.
Yet, two fell, and their hope to build a home in her heart had died.
One was shot by Lusiana’s rejection towards a dysfunctional love.
Another one was catapulted by the different spectrums of life they shared.
There was the only one left…
But was he the one for Lusiana?
Lusiana’s roommates, Alya and Irana, were the two college students who accompanied Lusiana when she lived alone and moved out of her house after a big fight with her father. They loved to spend time with Lusiana, and she loved to do that too.
“Lusi, we never saw you going out with your friends anymore?”
“Do you mean Abimanyu?”
“Yes. And the girl, Aulia?” asked Alya.
“Yes. Abimanyu and Aulia are busy nowadays,” Lusiana answered without thinking just to avoid talking about them.
“How about another Bima? I think you have a friend named Bima, but it’s not Abimanyu,” asked Irana.
“Bimasakti?”
“Yes.”
“He’s Aulia’s friend, and they are busy, Irana.”
“Hmm, but Lusi, how about your experience with dating apps?”
“Why, Alya? Want to try?” She asked with a silly smile remembering all their talks about dating apps. Mostly they talked about how it went into something crazy because people tend to use it as a direct way of looking for a one-night-stand relationship.
“Anyway, we just asked because you seem like dwelling yourself into your job too much today, Lusiana.”
“Haha, well, it’s true. I want to think nothing else but my job right now. Let me work hard to earn extra money and cover myself in gold.”
“Agree. Who needs to think about a relationship when you can earn money?” said Alya agreeing with Lusiana.
“Hmm, but as I recall, don’t you meet someone in your dating app?” asked Irana.
“Yes. Bimasena.”
“So, any news or development?”
“I think he’s fine.”
“Fine?”
“Yes,” Lusiana said, not truly honest because she didn’t know a thing about Bimasena anymore.
The truth was, Bimasena was a mystery himself for Lusiana. Sure, he was there to say condolences about Lusiana’s father. But after that, where was he?
Lusiana was being ghosted by Bimasena. But she tried to not think about it ever since. In fact, Irana’s question had become a reminder for Lusiana to search about him again.
Shortly after Bimasena was consoling her after the death of Lusiana’s father, Lusiana asked once more where he would be gone if he would go soon. He said that he doesn’t know about it, about them, or about the future held for them.
So why would he be there again if he couldn’t affirm the future for them?
Unable to hold her anger, Lusiana asked Abimanyu to be a fake boyfriend for herm and showed it off to Bimasena. Some silly act, she knew it. Yet she couldn’t stop herself from doing that because Bimasena was so annoying. He came back, but he couldn’t make sure to be there for her. He was there, but he wasn’t there. So, what did he want?
All those questions had made her say to Bimasena to never disturb her again since she was with Abimanyu. And he said nothing.
Nothing.
But Abimanyu had turned into something problematic too for her, and Lusiana’s plan had become a backlash. Finally, with very little pride within herself, Lusiana contacted Bimasena again. ‘I miss you,’ she said. What a pity moves to be loved, asking to be loved even if Bimasena could only do it half-hearted.
But his answer was something she could never even imagine.
One day, Bimasena shared a Snapgram: a photo grid of himself and someone new, a young girl. Lusiana realized, without even needing any explanation, that the girl was Bimasena’s girlfriend. But she couldn’t ask it right away, and when Bimasena announced he was changing his phone number, Lusiana gathered her courage to ask about it.
The next day, Lusiana called Bimasena.
“Can we have a talk?”
“Yes, sure Lusiana, what’s up?”
“When we met almost eight months ago, were we in the same position?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I was single at that time.”
“Oh, hmmm…”
“How about you?”
“Uhm…”
“Speak honestly, please.”
“Sorry, Lusiana.”
“Why?”
“If you know the truth, you would I lied to you…”
“What do you mean by lying?”
“I have someone when we met online.”
“So, why did you lie?”
“I don’t know, well, it was my fault to use dating app when I’m dating someone. But then I saw you, and you’re beautiful, instantly I swiped right, and we were matched. I thought it would be a usual and boring talk, and that’s where I was wrong. You’re amazing. I love chatting with you, I like you, and your thought and your works, I really love your writings and kinds of stuff, Lusiana…”
Lusiana had begun to cry.
“But who would let me feel those connections and then leave me without saying something because there was someone else? Why would you lie, Mas Bima? You make me feel like I’m the one like I’m wanted. But then you left me and came back to me whenever you’re bored. Is that how you want? Me being a substitute whenever your girlfriend is boring?”
“No! W—why would you think like that?”
“Then why would you use a dating app when you’re with someone?”
“…”
“…”
“I was bored…”
“And when you bored, you met me. We’re clicking, or so I thought. But you still must always be with your girlfriend, who’s probably have met you, and I’m just an online chick that was easy prey for a hunter like you…”
“Hey! Lusiana, stop!”
“You deserve it!”
“The deeper our relationship is, the more I fear we would hurt each other.”
“How so?”
“The thing about me is… I sleep with all my girlfriends…”
“What…?”
“Yes. I had sex a lot, Lusiana. And I knew, you’re not that kind of girl. You’re cute, beautiful, and too elegant to dwell yourself into the world of free sex. Your hijab is your pride. That’s why I broke our relationship before it went too deep.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to ruin you… you’re worth more than me…”
“But what if I want you?”
“Really? What do you see in me?”
“A decent guy…?”
“No, I’m so not that, Lusiana. You should have run ages ago. I haven’t finished college, and you are a full-time worker, Lusiana. You need to find a man that is more stable than me… don’t let what you thought we have prevented you something better!”
Bimasena didn’t know all the bad things Lusiana had experienced with the other Bimas. And she wouldn’t tell him either in this kind of conversation. Even so, there was a longing feeling that she felt instantly after he told her to go away. Oddly, Lusiana felt warmer towards Bimasena and felt guided as if she was a lost star. The stricter he had; the more Lusiana had feelings for him. The more feelings she had; the more tears fell from her solid black eyes.
“But I can’t say goodbye that easily, Mas. You have to help me…”
Bimasena didn’t say any word at all for one whole minute. Then the next thing he said was:
“I can’t do that too…”
“Why?”
“I don’t want you to go… that quick.”
“…”
“Stay… please…”
Opposite Stranger Who are we? Just the two souls with wounded hearts. One keeps stumbling, one keeps grieving. How do we live? Of course, different significance creates the art. Yet surprisingly, one keeps encountering something. Why are we here? At foremost, we suppose about how to assemble the part. Now I'm praising your support and understanding When will it be? If it would be, let's hope for no resistance. Be honest, communicate, feel, hurt, but mostly, loving Where could we be? Long gone, I was your wall of the inspiration card Now, and all heart was calm, why you're so relucting?
ARCTURIAN 
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