Dysfunctional

V. Karma Is Real

Of course, Lusiana should never think that one of the Bimas she met would erase her pain forever. No. There was no magic in love. It was only pragmatic and ordinary, such as when her gut told her to let a door open for Bimasena or to think that Bimasakti would never love her so hard or so gentle in the first place.

But she knew, or at least she could sense, from three of them, who could be gentler if one day she had to marry with one of them.

Her gut was telling it was probably with Bimasena. It was never a coincidence to her meeting with three Bimas, and Bimasena was the last Bima she met. Abimanyu was way too different in thinking with her. And Bimasakti was someone she wished she would never meet. But Bimasena was like someone she saw when she looked at the mirror. If only they could be together right at that moment.

But no, Bimasena was way too busy. He wasn’t there when Lusiana fought or had an argument with Abimanyu. He wasn’t there when Lusiana was almost crawling herself back to Bimasakti.

But when he was there, he was there, spending all his time with her.
Too bad for Lusiana. The year 2021 was when she had it all. She knew about Bimasakti in late 2020, but she was rejected by him in 2021, not long before her father’s death.

Yes, Bimasakti rejected her. Yes, it was so painful because she was the person who was asking about the relationship between them.

Always her.

It was the nightmare Lusiana couldn’t face.

“I never saw you with Abimanyu again. What happened?”
Lusiana was with Aulia and their other friend, Laila. They were junior high school friends, so Laila knew that Aula was close with Abimanyu. Aula didn’t want to talk about it. Nevertheless, Lusiana thought it was a good time to ask what happened with them.

“I’ve been wondering about that too. Come on, baby. Tell us.”
“Nothing to talk about because we were only a little off, okay?”
“Just… a little off?”
“Yes, nothing more,” but Aulia didn’t dare to look at Lusiana’s eyes. So, Lusiana knew she lied. Even so, Lusiana didn’t chase her tail. She chose to talk about something else with Laia, something about work. But then something unpredicted happened.

“I know I’m a little off with Abimanyu. But the more interesting stuff is about Lusiana and her crush!”
“Who?”
“His name is Bimasakti. And they were far more complicated than they thought.”
“Aulia, don’t.”
“Lusiana, I didn’t know you have a complicated relationship.”

‘What am I? a heartless woman?’ Lusiana was thinking to herself. But she didn’t reply to Laila’s silly question with that answer.

“Of course, I had a complicated relationship, well, a thing or two maybe. But it’s not supposed to be bragged about.”
“Well, you brag it anyway. It means that you are fond of Bimasakti.” Said Aulia. Lusiana sighed.

Lusiana told Laila about the relationship not to brag about it. Instead, she was only triggered by Laila’s remark, by the phrase ‘I didn’t know you have a complicated relationship,’ as if she was a machine, not a human with a heart. But she knew arguing with them was hard.

“No, I simply said about it since Laila seemed thinking that I can’t find love.”
“Well, I only knew about you by afar, and all I see are your remarkable works.”
“Thanks, Laila,” Lusiana smiled. She wanted to use that chance to talk more about their work, but before she could do anything, Aulia suddenly called Bimasakti.
“Hey, Bimasakti is here.”

---

VI. ‘I Love You’

“Hey, mas Bima. I’m here with someone who misses you!”

Aulia was giggling, and Laila was smiling awkwardly. But nothing compared to Lusiana’s expression between outrage and desperation, so she could only smile. A weak smile.

“Where are you now? I’m in a convenience store right now.”
“I’m in your former crush’s house.”
Lusiana still said nothing. And she could hear him saying something to reply to Aulia.
“What do you mean?”
“Remember… Lusiana?”
“No.” Then Bimasakti hangs up the call. Aulia laughed so hard, but no one was answering her laugh.
“Uhm, Aulia, how do you know him?” Asked Laila.
“Mas Bima is my friend, technically. And I matched him with Lusiana.”
“And you do know that the tension between them was as cold as ice, and you chose to call him upon her?”
“But I think you should know this, Laila. Since you’re in our circle now.”
“What circle?” asked Lusiana suddenly. “Oh, do you mean the circle where there was Abimanyu, and you left or just some friendship between us?”
“Why do you still bring Abimanyu in our conversation? Nothing happened, okay?”
“Then why did you suddenly leave our chat group and not show when it was our hang-out routine?”
“I was busy, and he knew about it.”
“Oh, so another your secret conversation with Abimanyu that I should never know?”
“Okay, what is going on between you three?” Asked Laila.
“Honestly, La, I don’t know either. They both have their telepathy, and I could never know about it. And when I joined the picture, all of sudden they got me with a stranger like the one she just called.”
“But you did love him, right, Lusiana?”
“Was it relevant right now?”
“What do you think, Laila?”
“Hmm, I say that you, Aulia, are a bit too far. We were only asking about Abimanyu, and we wouldn’t push you if you refused to talk about it. But instead of joining our conversation about works and other stuff, you suddenly told me a relationship that Lusiana was pissed about.”
“But do you know why she was pissed?”
“Hmm, what happened?”
“Aulia! Do not tell her!”

Lusiana freaked out. And part of her couldn’t believe if Aulia would tell Laila that she was a friend of a probably a bisexual person. It was still a taboo in their city, and Laila would never accept it too much.

But of course, Laila heard the story of them without that reality.

“They were complicated for sure. Yes, I made Lusiana meet him, to know each other. But then one of them said no, and then the other said no, and it made the other freaked out, and they needed me to glue them again. So toxic.”
“That’s it? You told Laila I met him in 2017, and after four years of knowing each other, our relationship was as short of that?”
“Do you want to tell the truth?”

Aulia was playing the card beautifully. She knew Lusiana was too good until it was forbidden to her to tell Bimasakti’s orientation because it was like his sin. Hence, the truth about Bimasakti’s sexual preference would never come out of Lusiana’s mouth.

“I don’t know. Part of me thinks that you matched me with him only because you were toying with him and you felt bored. Or maybe you knew that he loves you, but you threw him to me. Anyhow, would you tell Laila why?”
“He doesn’t love me. I could tell that.”
“Then why did he answer your call in the first ring?”
“Exactly, Laila. Go tell her.”
“And why does he care about you so much?”
“I know girl. Just spill it out.”
“But then it must be so hard for you, Lusiana.” Said Aulia.
“Huh?”
“You love him, right?”
“No.”

But she cannot lie. It was love that she had for him.

“YES, YOU LOVE HIM!! Oh my God, I’m so happy! Finally know the truth, Laila.”

“You’re happy that your friend falls in love with a guy that loves you?”

Laila’s question is probably just a simple question, but for Lusiana, it was everything.
Aulia asked her one day if Lusiana had a thing for Abimanyu. Surely, she had never felt anything more than a friendship, but Aulia insisted that Lusiana had a crush on Abimanyu.

“Sure, maybe it was at junior high school when everyone thinks I’m his girlfriend. It was funny in a good way, and we had overcome it.”
“No, it must be when I was with him, and he never been there for you.”
“No, it was not.”

That silly conversation with Laila’s remark was the answer Lusiana was looking for: Aulia was not matching her with Abimanyu or Bimasakti. Aulia was only finding validation. She only needs to know that she could make Lusiana small by using the guys who love her. If she never gave them the answer and suddenly threw them to Lusiana, they would ignore Lusiana all the time.

It hit her hard.
“Aulia, would you answer Laila’s question?”
“What question?”
“Are you happy knowing I love the boys that love you?”
“No… of course not. But you know, love cannot appear magically. You have to let them go.”
Freak.

“Don’t you agree with that, Laila?”
“Of course. You have to be a bigger person here, Lusiana, and let Bimasakti go because he’s not worth your time.”
“Laila, it’s not that simple.”
“Then maybe you told him about your feeling, and if he rejects it, you could forget about him.”
“Anyway, it’s getting late. We should go home,” asked Aulia.
“I think I need to be here for a moment. Maybe you should too, Aulia.”
“Wow, I hope you both won’t fight over a guy, hehe.” Said Laila with a funny tone. Lusiana smiled. “Of course not.

---

---

“What did you just do, Aulia?”
“Nothing. I was only—”
“Talking about Bimasakti, the one who was supposed to never known!”
“Oh, was it hurting your pride? To know a bisexual man?”
“I never judge. But you knew the truth. He was with someone when he said he loves me! And it was a guy!”
“I don’t think it was his account.”
“It was his account for God’s sake! Why, oh my God. Why, do you always defend him?”
“I—I’m not defending him. It’s just it could be anybody.”
“You mean those photos I sent to you wasn’t Bimasakti?”
“It’s not like that…”
“And by the way, Laila’s remark is true. Did you enjoy seeing me chasing Bimasakti that was still chasing you? Is that what you want? To feel more superior than me?”
“What’s wrong with you?”

Lusiana hated to say without being a snob, but at that time it was clear that Lusiana had a brighter future than Aulia. Lusiana was not only physically attractive, but she was also actually a smart and independent woman. But she never thought bad or underestimated Aulia. For her, Aulia was a beautiful woman with a great job and a stable family, unlike her. She had a gift for attracting men, unlike her. And Lusiana would never make her a joke.

But after she knew Aulia thinking about this way to make herself more superior than Lusiana was disappointing her.

“What’s wrong with you, Aulia. Do you know that Bimasakti loved you when you made me meet him?”
“Probably…”
“THEN WHAT WAS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU A PSYCHO?
“My mom would never let me be with him. You know he has been with a guy before.”
“SO THAT MAKES HIM ELIGIBLE FOR ME?”

“You… you never judge… so I thought you could accept him. You wanted to change your last ex even though you knew he was a drug addict and alcoholic, right?”

“Changing an alcoholic person is still possible. Changing anyone’s orientation of sex is impossible. You should know better than that!”
“You were laughing when you knew about his sexual orientation!”
“It was a laugh because I felt it was silly, not because I find it cute and love it!”

They went silent at their table for two minutes. Then Aulia asked.
“But still, do you love Bimasakti?”
“What do you want?”
“What do you do about that?”
“It’s my problem. You better stay away from it.”
“Sorry, Lusiana.”
“I think sorry is not enough for this, Aulia.”
“Hmm, what do you want?”
“Please call him…”

Aulia dialed her phone to call Bimasakti without saying anything. When they were connected, she told him that Lusiana wanted to talk, and two minutes later, she handed the phone to Lusiana. They talked about what happened to them, and Lusiana felt so stupid, but she couldn’t stop herself before asking was there any solution or a way for them.

“No. you said it was over.”
“I know…”
“Then why do you ask me about it?”
“Don’t you want to recall it? Or probably try again?”
“No.”
“Was it that easy to forget me, huh?”
“No…”
“But?”
“It was so hurtful until I forgot about it.”
“I’m sorry?”
“And do you think your sorry is enough?”
“No?”
“No. Never!”
“But then, why did you be with that guy when we had something?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I saw your Twitter account. You shared a picture of you and some guy having a video call on a day when I texted you 15 messages, and you had never even replied to me back!”

He stopped talking.

“You were hallucinating. It wasn’t me.”
“It was you, freak! Not only did you cheat on me, but you also repeated something you regret in front of me! You lied to me!”
“What was the big deal, anyway. We were nothing.”
“Wh—what?”
“And you are nobody.”
Bimasakti ended that call, and before Lusiana knew it, she cried. She came back to Aulia to return her phone.
“What happened?”
“You must love to see me crawling to him, right?”
“N–no, Lusiana. I–“
“I would never forgive you both, Aulia.”

Then Lusiana left with a heavy heart and a pouring rain inside her brain. It was so hurtful until she thought she could die due to her agony.

---

Dysfunctional Love

If it happened a year ago, would the feelings about those events were still relevant?
Because even though it happened a year ago, what was said was still be heard
And what was exposed were still looking sharp at the imaginary
I never thought to write things about you
After the feelings grew, I never wrote anything too
Probably it was savage, but with you, I never felt secure to a standstill
Hence I never felt understand your last will
There I was, in 2016, confused about us
If you were sure that I was the one, why would you be gone?
If I knew back that, I would never make a fuzz
But then it was all about you, anyway
When you felt like you wanted to know me, you would be there
When you felt like you could have me, you would have me
And I would
Always
Wait for you
Until I realized I could never do it again to myself
You would say that you kissed a guy, and I would still accept you
You would say to see about the future of us, and I would like to keep it as an oath
But I felt I had to stop after I told myself, no more
When I found out you had been with someone else when you were with me
Who was I?
The worst part of it was, he was a guy
No, it was never an affair behind us
Because he was not lurking alone
He was with you, having fun
When I was only a guarantee card to make sure that you would accept in society